Jordan

I am sitting down on a Team call talking to Jordan, she is a resident in Phoenix’s housing services in Glasgow. She is friendly and chatty and the kind of person that you quickly feel comfortable with. She starts to tell me a bit about herself, I am struck by her energy and self-awareness.

She is 25, it’s rare for someone of her age to have graduated a residential rehab programme, she speaks with openness and insight, and after a few minutes of speaking I feel like I have known her for much longer.

“I am only just learning who I am again after coming out of rehab, I got into addiction quite young.” She swears and apologises, laughing, “I’m trying to control it” she tells me. “I am teachable, and I like learning, I’m fascinated by anything that I don’t know, if you were to sit there and teach me crocheting, I would learn it. I like climbing, reading. I like silly things, I’m quite childish and my humour is shit” she tells me.

“I like people, but I don’t, I think they are really complicated and complex, I’m open and willing, and ok with who I am today, well I’m 50 / 50 on who I am today, I am working at being connected with my family, and I love the sea.”  

She explains that she was in rehab in Scotland for 6 months before coming into the housing service but had been using different types of drugs since she was a teenager, by the age of 19 she was addicted to opiates.

“Looking back my drug use was problematic from the start, but at the time I thought it was great, my reality was painful, using drugs allowed me to escape in the way that I needed but I couldn’t just use like a ‘normal person,’ you know, just at the weekend, I was obsessed with it straight away.

My mum and dad were both addicts it was really normalised in our family growing up, we didn’t really talk about it much though, it was all kept very quiet. My sister got a lot of jip at school for my dad being a heroin addict, the other kids called her names, and would laugh at her telling her your dad’s a junkie and a smack head.”

She pauses in reflection,

“I’m quite a dreamer though I suppose, so that life never sat comfortably with me, it’s a very hard life being an addict” she sighs.

“I first reached out for help when I was 18, they gave me anti-depressants which wasn’t a solution, I tried to get help when I was at university. Their solution was to go away for six months, or a year and then come back, I don’t think they wanted to know.”

She explains that she has been in touch with different support services over the period she was using and the attitudes and treatment she received changed after she started using heroin. “I was more mollycoddled before I started using heroin, I don’t think there was an understanding that I was still quite deep in it and I was really struggling, I wasn’t really treated like I had an issue until I started using heroin”.

I can tell that the years have been heavy for Jordan, and she has seen and been through a lot.

We move on to talk about how she feels since she has stopped using drugs.

“A lot of people are surprised when I say I am an addict, because I don’t have the stereotypical addict look, I mean, not that there should be a stereotypical addict look, but people do have perceptions of what an addict should be.

“I have just come out of rehab, so I am quite open, I talk about addiction and recovery a lot because that’s me, but that’s not all I am and it’s trying to get that understanding across to other people. A lot of people don’t want to talk about it and shut the conversation down and other people, when I tell them I have done a programme exploring my trauma, they start to tell me about someone they know or a family member and it’s like they don’t understand our pain hits different, they see us as all the same.”

Her voice quietens, laughing she starts to tell me something that she is not sure if she should or not, she hesitates then does anyway. “I have been using some dating apps recently, and as soon as I bring up my past people are not interested, they see it as a big red flag. You are seen as someone who is chaotic and temperamental even if you’re not using, and it’s hard to get that other side of who you are across.”

Jordan explains excitedly that she has got her whole life ahead of her but then her voice changes and she tells me that at the same time she finds that overwhelming because there are so many things that she feels she can’t do.

“I can’t go out clubbing, getting into a relationship is hard, in the fellowships there are not many young people, it’s frustrating. Drinking is so normalised at this age that it’s hard to make connections without it.

“I feel there is a stigma to being young in recovery - people quite frequently shut me down and disregard my experiences, by not believing I have had it as 'tough' as them. Or not understanding how I could have an addiction this young, thinking that I probably just party a lot. It makes it more difficult getting your determination and hope across in these kinds of environments.

“Then other people only see you for the drugs that you tell them about. Especially with heroin, there is a different balance of stigma depending on the drug that you are using, it’s frustrating and tiring trying to make people understand there is more to me than my drug use. I think it comes down to the ignorance and close mindedness of folk, especially concerning people still stuck in the cycle of addiction. There is not enough understanding or want for understanding of the suffering and pain that comes with living and lived experience. People often frame addiction as a choice but what person would choose to let their life crumble if they were able to control it?”

We talk about the future and Jordan tells me that Fife always draws her back in, “I like where I’m from, there’s the seaside which I like, but if I am ever to get anywhere in life, I need a starting point and recovery is massive in Glasgow.

“I wanted to share my story because I believe that it is vital for people who have living and lived experience (in any way) to share their stories for hope, breaking down stereotypes but most importantly it allows us to heal and grow“