Ferdy

May 2023, I am talking to Ferdy over a Teams call, I can’t see his face because the video is not working but I can hear his voice clearly, he speaks frankly with a thick Yorkshire accent and sounds friendly yet confident and assured. 

A resident in one of Phoenix Futures housing services, I have been introduced to Ferdy through his keyworker. We arranged to speak so that he could share some of his experiences with me as part of my work on behalf of the Anti-Stigma Network.

He jumps straight in “I am an addict in recovery” he tells me assertively; we talk for a while about the word addict and how it holds different meaning for different people and different inferences depending on the context that it is used in.

Ferdy explains that he wears it as a “badge of honour” and finds it empowering standing up in meetings and calling it out but also acknowledges that “words hold a lot of power and in some context such as in the media the word addict can be loaded with stigma and used as a label to shame and dehumanise people.

“I have to stop thinking of myself as just an addict in recovery there is a lot more to me than that. I am Ferdy, a lovely intelligent guy who likes walking, nature and going to the gym, who does a lot to help other people, lots of charity work and I am also an addict in recovery.”

Ferdy, starts to tell me a bit about his past, “I started using drugs when I was a teenager. By the time I was in my early 20’s I was addicted to heroin, I spent 3 decades in addiction” throughout that time he has encountered a lot of stigma, he explains.

“It’s everywhere, you get treated differently from everyone else, you get written off as a lost cause, I could tell that my G.P would want to get me out of the room as quickly as possible, I’ve been called a smack head by a nurse during one hospital stay, it’s not even just about me, it affects everyone around you, even family, friends and loved ones.”

Ferdy goes on to explain the profound impact stigma had on his mum, the inflection in his voice changes and I can tell it’s not easy for him to talk about. “She went from being a thriving, empowered, strong, vibrant woman to bowing her head in shame. She had two sons, both addicted to drugs, she was ashamed, people used to shun her crossing the street rather than speaking to her. She passed away in 2004 in the end, she was isolated and closed off, I can only imagine how she must have felt, she would have been gutted”. Ferdy pauses in reflection, and we leave it there.

“As an addict over the years, you become hyper aware of the people around you and you see stigma everywhere, in the sense of judgment, body language and the way people speak to you, they look down on you. You get labelled a certain way, you know, everyone is saying you’re ‘that thing’, so you may as well become that thing. It makes you feel worthless, angry, and full of self-loathing”.

Ferdy was on prescription medication so was regularly engaging with different GPs throughout the years that he was using drugs, he tells me about a GP in Leeds that he started seeing towards the end of this period of his life. “He was a brilliant Doctor, all he did was try and help, for the most part a lot of doctors don’t really have the time, it was just in and out, but he was the first doctor that I met who had compassion and empathy. He spoke to me like I was a normal guy, and I didn’t feel judged. I put a lot of me being successful in my recovery down to him. He made me feel normal, like I could just be normal and fit in with society and I wanted more of that, I will never forget him.”

Ferdy got a place in rehab and completed his programme, he has built a strong recovery network within Sheffield and is getting involved with lots of different recovery initiatives within the community. We talk about the value of lived and living experience and how important it is to amplify these voices.  

“People need to feel included and that they have a say in the way services and policies are shaped. It seems like councils and governments are only just starting to realise that the best asset and resources they have to inform the way they do things are people with lived experience. People with real world experience need to not just be offered a seat at the table, they need to be heard. it can’t just be a box ticking exercise.

I thank Ferdy for sharing part of his journey with me. “I share my experience because I hope that it will help, and we will see some real change for us and for the people that are still on the ground.”