D

We were contacted recently by ‘D’, I am going to refer to him as D to protect his anonymity. D found out about the network through Dual Diagnosis Anonymous UK and reached out because he wanted to share his ongoing living experience. He is passionate about helping to better educate people by showing that behind every label and stereotype there is a real person.

We arrange to speak on Teams, D keeps his camera off so I can’t see his face, but I can tell from our initial phone call and email exchanges that he is articulate and has a good sense of humour. A fan of everything ‘early 1990s’, he moved to London from Yorkshire after graduating university in 2000.

“Looking back, I was so fresh faced but as a gay man who was escaping the small northern town upbringing London seemed like the obvious choice of place to migrate to in search of work.”

You can still hear a slight accent in D’s voice he has not completely lost his northern twang. We share a laugh over the fact that you can’t take the Yorkshire out of a Yorkshireman, even if he moves hundreds of miles away.

He tells me that he likes the arts and theatre and is a big fan of Musicals. Despite his extensive catalogue of Madonna and Kylie music, he chuckles whilst saying “Looking back, I was surprisingly good at managing to keep my sexuality hidden. There was a lot of stigma back then.  A couple of kids at my school tried to be open and out, but it never went well for them. I didn’t tell my mum until I was 23 and I was right to have waited as she didn’t talk to me for a year.”

After D moved to London, he worked in Recruitment for 15 years and was very successful. It was long hours and people would normally move out of the industry after about 3 years. "

A few years later D’s life took a bad turn, he was diagnosed HIV positive.

“I entered a deep depression. Sadly, within the next 4 years, I suffered two close family bereavements as well as being the victim of workplace bullying. The anxiety I had had since a teenager was at an all-time high.

“The HIV was my terrible secret… I had even heard other gay people speak in a stigmatised way when they discovered other people who had ‘IT’. I couldn’t speak to anyone, let alone consider telling my family.”

It was during this time that D tried Crystal Meth for the first time, first, he felt like it brought him confidence and helped with his mental health, but as D spiralled towards daily use he started experiencing psychosis.

“I hadn’t herd of psychosis at the time, back in 1996, there was not the awareness around mental health that there is today. People that I spoke to for advice would say things like ‘just ‘man up ‘and ‘stop thinking silly things. People didn’t believe me when I told them what I was going through and labelled me as untrustworthy because I was using drugs, this made me feel deeply sad and frustrated.

“People don’t talk about the effects of Crystal Meth in the ‘gay world’ it is very stigmatised, if you have side affects you are seen as weak because your body can’t handle the drug, or you can’t handle the party lifestyle. It’s a very sexualised context with gay men and if you are not doing what you’re supposed to be doing and performing then you will be thrown out, and that is from your own community”.

D tells me that he felt like a ‘raggy doll’ cast off because part of him had malfunctioned and this stopped him from reaching out and getting help. But when he eventually did, he became one of the first gay men to share his story and be open about his living experience of using Crystal Meth.”

D reached out for help and was referred by his GP to an Early Intervention Service for Psychosis in south London. After various sessions with a psychologist, D was able to start to understand more about his experiences.  “It was a vicious circle where depression led to drug use, which led to psychosis and heightened anxiety which brought me back around to drug use to try cope with what I was experiencing. A perfect storm. "

There was no specific support for substance use with in the Early intervention Service so upon discharge D was referred to a community drug and alcohol team.

“I found this transition [to community drug and alcohol services] difficult, ironically it was here that I experienced the most stigma. I was still quite high functioning. I have often been told by professionals that I fall through the gaps.  The system seems to be designed for a specific type of person and because of the intersection between my drug use, mental health, and lifestyle, I fall outside of that.  

Crystal Meth has a reputation of being a ‘party drug’, my addiction was seen as a lifestyle choice and not addressed seriously,

The lack of individualised support in the system made me feel like I was not seen as valuable or worth saving”.

D is still using Crystal Meth but wants to stop or at least stabilise.

We move on to talk about D’s experiences of accessing wider healthcare “A&E is the worst place I have been when experiencing a crisis” D becomes audibly upset “when they see my medical history, I am questioned about my drug use and pigeonholed, I am more than just a person who takes drugs”.

D is keen to point out that it’s not all been bad, he has been supported by several excellent professionals, that haven’t judged him and have treated him as an individual by understanding and working with the complexity and breath of his living experience. 

As we come to close the call D’s final comments resonated with me “I am a strong believer that stigma is cause by ignorance and a lack of education about certain things, I have real hope that things will get better in the future.”

D’s words remind me of a quote by Rebecca Solnit:

“Hope means another world might be possible, not promised, not guaranteed. Hope calls for action, action is impossible without hope”.

I leave the call reflecting on the conversation that I have had with D and the insight that he has given me into his experiences. I am in admiration for the way that D shared so openly and acknowledge the courage and emotional toll that it takes to do so.  Furthermore, I admire the way that D holds space for hope, which I interpret as an act of radical defiance against stigma and the systems that perpetrate it.

D is interested in mutual support and would like to be put in contact with anyone who identifies as having similar experiences. Alternatively, If you are aware of any organisations that could support D please get in touch with us at info@antistigmanetwork.org.uk and we will pass your suggestions on to D.